Light in the Darkness
by CaptKJaneway peadom
Summary: Kathryn has happiness dangled in front of her face. Friendship. J/C implied Warning: Depression


This was written for VAMB Secret Drabble 2012 for nynaeve506.

first line: 'In the end, she wondered if it would be better if she'd simply drowned'

Characters/Pairings: J/C, P/T any other pairing friendship only, any singular character

No Goes: C/7, slash/femslash

Rating: PG (depression)

Overview: Kathryn has happiness dangled in front of her face. Friendship.

AntiLitigation Protocols: I don't own 'em. All recognizable characters belong to their respective creators. I am just playing in the universe. No profit was made from this except my own enjoyment.

Author Note: I hope this met your expectations. My muse abandoned me until the night before this was due so please forgive me for it not being betad. Any mistakes are my own. This line started me down so many paths that it was hard to pick just one. I settle for Neelix and Kathryn because it is a friendship that you do not get to see as much as the others and there are times when it seems that Neelix's scatter brained, randomness is just what our beloved Captain needs to shake out the cobwebs. And when Neelix gets serious people tended to pay attention because it is out of character. And of course I had to indicate J/C even though it is a friendship fic. J I hope you enjoy.

**'Light in the Darkness'**

In the end, she wondered if it would be better if she'd simply drowned. Either time. Maybe if she had not gotten out of the shuttle, if she had sunk beneath the waves with Daddy and Justin everything would have been better. Maybe if she hadn't untangled her breathing hose under the waters on Voralax Primus. Maybe the lives of 147 people would not have been irreparably damaged.

It was quite possible that her continued existence had destroyed hundreds of families back in the Alpha Quadrant. Every breathe that she drew pulled a small portion of someone else's life. Every smile that crossed her lips, stolen from the potential future of her crew.

Yet, here she sat, selfish creature that she was, contemplating taking a step towards her own complete happiness. What right did she have to lay in his arms and feel any kind of joy when she was solely responsible for the complete destruction of the reality that had been ten years ago.

She looked down at her left hand, to the shiny diamond nestled on her finger. Her thoughts were so dark that not even the sparkle of her ring could lighten them.

"What have I done?"

Her sigh filled the room, the heavy weight on her depression and guilt wavering in the darkness.

Chakotay's fingers tightened painfully on the back of the chair. He had helped her through her self hatred and depression enough to know what was bothering her. And what had triggered it.

What he did not know was how to get her through this bout. He was selfish enough to want her to say yes and marry him. The muted hiss of the doors drew his attention behind him.

"Commander?" Neelix's voice came softly, questioningly.

"I don't know." The larger man replied running his hands through his hair. "I asked her to marry me, she said yes and then I found her here. And I don't know how to help her this time!"

The larger man's shoulders hunched dejectedly.

"Commander, maybe she just needs to hear it from someone who is not personally involved. " Chakotay's eyes lifted, hope swirling through his center. "She needs a friend right now, not a lover. "

After a moments pause, he continued.

"Let me try Chakotay."

Kathryn looked up, the silence shattered by the muted footsteps falling beside her. Sorrow filled blue eyes locked with the concerned orbs of the Talaxian.

"Um…Good evening, Captain."

"Good evening, Mr Neelix." Her voice came out a little thick.

She watched Neelix fluttering around her like a nervous moth. A small curl of amusement slid into the darkness surrounding her.

"May I join you?" He asked quickly. Kathryn nodded her acceptance, motioning with her right hand towards the seat beside her.

The minutes passed as they each sat in silence, each lost in their prospective thoughts. Kathryn took a sip of her coffee, curling her lip as the liquid chilled her tongue. She rose gracefully, moving to the replicator .

"Coffee, Black." She stated habitually, vacantly studying the paneling surrounding the machinery.

Returning to her seat, she noticed that Neelix appeared to be fidgeting, that is, fidgeting more than normal for the Talaxian. Preparing to do her duties as a friend and commanding officer, she gave him an opening.

"How have you been Neelix?"

The question hung in the air between then for several heartbeats. She could practically see the wheels turning in his head as he prepared his answer.

"I…well, I…I've been ok, ma'am. Well with the exception of Ensign Fargos refusing to eat my dinner. And of course the two lieutenants from Astrometrics who started the food fight with the Leola Root Stew the other night. And possibly the crewman who told me that they were going to ban me from my own kitchen, which come to think of it Captain, they can't do that can they?" He paused to take a breath and barreled on without waiting for an answer. "I mean, it is MY kitchen. You allowed me to keep it and it should be that only you, and possibly the commander since he is second in command, well, come to think of it Mr Vulcan might be able to take it away, but the idea that a CREWMAN would dare to threaten me…."

"Mr Neelix!" Kathryn cut him off, exasperation tinted with laughter filling her voice.

Neelix paused and realizing that he had been ranting turned a delightful shade of puce, making his spots stand out even more.

"I'm sorry Captain. I just don't really know how to begin."

"Why don't you tell me why you are in the messhall at zero dark thirty on a night that you are off of kitchen detail?" She smiled softly to encourage him.

"Well, Ma'am" he began.

"Neelix, I think you can call me Kathryn in our off time? You have been my friend for almost ten years now."

He swallowed visibly and, taking a deep breath, forged ahead.

"I'm worried about you Kathryn."

His words fell into the darkness with more weight than they should have had, falling through her ears to land heavily in her chest.

"I'm fine, Mr Neelix.' She stated androitly.

"No Kathryn. I don't think you are. I see the ring. I know that Chakotay asked you to marry him. I also know that you are afraid to say yes. You see, I have watched you Kathryn. I watched you grow as a person, as a soldier, as a woman. And the one thing that I have noticed is that the minute that you start to reach for something for yourself, something not Starfleet related or crew related, you turn tail and you run."

He ignored her protests, speaking over her.

"I know you think you don't deserve to be happy because of what happened ten years ago. But don't you see, if you hadn't given that order, things would be so much worse!"

"HOW!" Kathryn's guilt and despair pushed her voice out as a scream. "How, Neelix. How could it have been worse. If I hadn't been the Captain of Voyager, someone else might have found a way to avoid giving that order and they would be home. If I hadn't given that order, then my crew would be…"

Again Neelix cut her off.

"Your crew would be divided. Tom Paris would probably still be in on that prison planet, the Maquis would still be hunted, fearful and blaming Starfleet, the Equinox crew would have been destroyed, Seven and the borglings would still be in the collective, Kes," His voice cracked a little at the mention of his former love, "she would probably still be held by the Kazon and her people enslaved by them. And I never would have gotten to call you my friend. And if someone else had been in command of Voyager, we would all probably be slaves to some random advance race, or trapped in an alliance with the Kazon or even worse blown to little pieces all over the quadrant. Someone else might not have made the same decisions, but no one else could have had the strength and the determination to make a misfit bunch of Maquis into respectable officers or given an alien without a home somewhere to belong."

He finished his tirade a little out of breath. Kathryn stood pulling him to his feet, ignoring the tears pouring down her face. When he was upright, she wrapped her arms around his waist, reveling in the comfort that he provided simply by patting her back awkwardly.

She lifted her head, purpose clear in her blue eyes, spirits lightened.

"Thank you Neelix." She said quietly. "I think I just needed to hear it from someone who didn't love me quite so much."

"Kathryn, we all love you. Without you we would have been destroyed so many times. You keep us together, you give us strength to forge ahead. You taught us how to be a family. We need you and you deserve some happiness." He lifted her left hand, allowing the dim lights to reflect on the stone. "You both deserve happiness." He tilted his head towards the Commander waiting patiently beside the exit.

Kathryn nodded and walked towards her XO. Pausing, she turned back to him.

"Neelix? Since my father isn't here, would you do me the honor of walking me down the aisle?"

"I would love to Captain." He replied, smiling.

Kathryn began humming as she walked into Chakotay's embrace, the burden on her shoulders just a little lighter. Neelix's humming followed her out the door as the Talaxian cleared away her coffee cups.

-FIN-


End file.
